Status check

[fantasticmuse]

So I've been thinking.

I've realized that school has taken a serious backseat in light of my... rather dramatic dip in mental and physical health over the past year.

I've hardly been in the library at all this year, haven't read a book in god knows how long, have gained weight due to inactivity and boredom. None of this is good.

But now that I've got meds that are really helping- god, birth control is so great- and the weather's looking up so any lingering effects of SADD are well banished...

I need to make some changes. Starting with school. I'm not challenged enough, so I have to challenge myself.

Literally, I have a B in my African-American Lit class and I have not read one. single. book. I am that good of a bullshitter. All I have to do is listen to the Prof and present his ideas back to him in a highly organized essay. It's crazy.

Same goes for Modern Poetry: I read the poems the night before the test and write an essay the day before it's due. I have a B in the class.

History's the only thing I really enjoy- that's easy too, I'll have an A in it by the end of the semester.

I'm tired of feeling bored, but I realize that it's all what I make it- I need to start teaching myself and enjoying myself. So, I'm going to start reading, even though I don't need to and I'm starting my papers in advance, even the big one that's not due until May. I got the supporting materials out of the library today.

Part of this is stirred by the fact that we talked about William Carlos Williams in poetry today. I was reminded so much of the AP English class I had way back when I was in 11th grade. I have never learned as much in any class before or after. It was incredible- I was learning. Time to recapture that.

To be honest, I'm worried about next year. I'm afraid I'll have more classes that I hate and can't be fucked to do well in. It's scary, because I do not want to go back to the place I was earlier this year and I'm afraid something like that will trigger it- feeling trapped in a place I hate, doing something I hate, around people I'm not too fond of (not my friends, of course, but my colleagues).

So: Here are my decisions as per next year. Actually. They should take effect now, huh?

Get off your butt, dammit. Go for a walk every once in a while.

Read. I know you don't need to, but do it. For real.

Stay regular on your meds. It's scary when you don't.

No more working on the newspaper. It's a good job, but it's time for a break. Too many bad things attached to that, with too little reward.

Write. (This one shouldn't be too hard to fufill, with my novel hatching)


Y'know, that's enough. I just need a little balance.